silhouettes through foggy glass.

Starting over, all over again. Here goes.

I am drinking tea and trying to figure out why I’m not going to the gym. Seriously.

Well, we’ll call that a meltdown. Busiest time of my life at work, including all-nighters to finish client projects, colliding with a weekend trip to a city filled with delicious food, mashed in with a mild knee sprain. Oh yeah, and closing on our first home! Without making excuses for it all, I think I can accept that circumstances were…unusual.

I’ve been away from the gym for two weeks. Which means the habit-setting is smashed to pieces, and I need to start back at square one. The mindful eating also ran into some trouble in the face of foie gras torchons and, well, a LOT of cocktails.

Basically, there’s a few things I need to hit the reset button on right now, so that I don’t slide too far…I’m already in the pit mentally, and I’d rather claw my way out than wallow. It fucking sucks in here. First, drag the ass out of bed at 5am, get to the gym before the brain is awake enough to protest. Second, pack lunch. I’m already back on track for breakfasts, but I need to not be buying near the office - too many deliciously dire options. Three, not pout at my “husband” when he proposes a healthier dinner option, even if I’m craving cream/butter/bacon/etc. Go along with his idea for a vegetarian week.

And four, stop being a whiny little bitch about how far I have to go. Jesus, of course I do - I made a regular habit of downing a Monster and a bag of chips whenever I felt sad/bored. Like the inspirational quote says, the time will pass anyways. Whether I’m moping or working to improve, the time will pass, and it’s all on me what happens as it does.

I haven’t missed a gym day in over a month. I eat breakfast every morning, I’m mindful of my portions and try to eat reasonably with enough flexibility for lifestyle choices. I drink an average of 50-60oz of water a day. And I gained this past week.

Not much, just a pound. But it’s frustrating nonetheless. I’m considering being a little more restrictive this week, but that annoys me as that isn’t the point - I’m trying to eat like a normal person, and exercise more than average, so that I lose slowly and sustainably. Restriction has never led to sustainable success for me, so I’m resistant. But I don’t know what else I can change.

I find that my turnaround is pretty speedy lately, in regards to progressing from poking at my tummy or thighs and pouting, to remembering that’s why I’m changing things. It’s good, because the fact that I am taking action means I’m not wallowing, which was a major problem.

It’s recently occurred to me that my 10 year high school reunion is next year. While I don’t have any real desire to go (I’m still in touch with the people I want to be), it sort of throws things into high relief.

I had all these discussions, before I turned 27, with people who assured me that it was a year of change and of positivity. I thought, ‘great!’ - if I thought that way, I could just have a better outlook. That, of course, would make it a self-fulfilling prophesy. I wasn’t expecting to be in negotiations to buy our condo within three weeks of passing that mile marker. Change indeed.

So, because I didn’t own a scale for the first week of my lifestyle change, my starting weight was set last Tuesday. So I weighed in this Tuesday, annnnd…lost 4lbs!

Starting weight: 296

Current weight: 292

Take note, this is after poutine & mini doughnuts at the fair and concert on Thursday, and fish & chips at the park with family on Sunday. It’s also after reasonable portion sizes the rest of the time, more apples, lots of water and working out four days a week. I’m starting to think this whole “healthy, reasonable, liveable balance-thing” could work!

I know I’m still vastly overweight. I’m not healthy yet, and I’m not the shape I want to be. But that’s why I’m doing it, and I know I’ll need to live in-progress for a good long time to be successful. But hey - here’s to 4lbs!

I went to the fair last night. I ate poutine and mini doughnuts, and they were delicious. Then I got up and went to the gym this morning for a HIIT session. And I feel pretty good about all of it, even the doughnuts. And the cheese curds. Squeaky ones. Because I’m pretty damn cognizant of the fact that I need to live my life, not my ‘lifestyle change’. If I can manage, the rest of the time, to be reasonable in my eating habits and reliable in my exercise, an evening at the fair shouldn’t be a big deal.

Seriously, this is a past-due realization for me. Every time I’ve failed at ‘getting fit’, it’s almost always come from restricting and denying myself, then falling off the wagon and saying ‘fuck it, why bother?” and sliding back into a pit of potato chips and bacon.

My body is the vehicle in which I navigate my life, and the tool with which I build it. It is the vessel for my mind and spirit, through which I experience the world. This is why, for someone dissatisfied with their body, everything is coloured by that. That’s why health is the goal; utility, as well. There are certain things I want to be able to do, to feel and wear and experience, that require a better tool. A better vehicle, a better vessel. Everyone has their own requirements for their body and their life, so it’s not a question of fit/fat/thin positivity. It’s the ability to live and experience how you want. That’s how I see it, anyways.